How to Avoid Overusing Pronouns in Your Short Story

• Examine a passage I wrote in third-person POV demonstrating a reckless use of the pronoun she.
• Compare the pronoun use in the passage with a published piece.
• Revise the passage using nine ways to avoid or hide pronouns.
• Bring the pronoun use in the passage into alignment with the published piece

A couple of weeks ago in the SSWG, an author asked how to avoid repeating pronouns in their short story. We were able to brainstorm a couple of ideas, but I thought it was worth a thorough deep dive.

Referring to the characters of your story without overusing their pronouns is challenging, especially in single-character scenes or stories. I mean, who hasn’t read their draft aloud and heard nothing but SHE did this, SHE did that . . . SHE SHE SHE and had no idea how to fix it?

While we can’t do much for the number of pronouns that come out in the first draft, I can give you some tricks for avoiding and hiding them in the revision. Let’s start with an example:

THE SINGULARITY OF KATHERINE

Katherine closed the front door. She leaned her forehead against it. She was exhausted. She listened to Sadie and Grace toppling blocks in the playroom, just audible over the static of her anxiety. She marvelled that being aware of the fear didn’t seem to give it less power. Then, she heard the dryer buzz.
​
​She made her way through the gauntlet of to-dos and into the basement. She pulled the warm bundle out of the dryer, and she pressed her face into it. She wrapped her arms tightly around it to absorb the heat. She considered taking the towels upstairs and folding them on the bed. I know better than that, she thought. She would have a hard time convincing herself to get out of bed for the second time in one day. No, she thought. She would go where the action was. She put the towels in the basket and she hauled it to the playroom.
​
“Mama, look at this bridge.”
​
​She tried to draw herself into their play by animating her voice. She dumped the basket out. The girls wriggled into her lap and burrowed into the towels. It almost worked. She grabbed a towel, she shook it, and she folded it, fighting to keep her hands steady.

Let the record show that in this 212-word passage, there are 21 instances of she—9.9% of the total word count. Is that high or low? Let’s compare our stats with the fairly she-heavy “Cat Person” by Kirsten Roupenian, published in the December 4, 2017 issue of The New Yorker. Out of 7201 words, Roupenian has 298 instances of she: 4.1% of the total word count—less than half of ours.

It’s important to note that in addition to the number of pronouns, pronouns are more apparent when they occur at the beginning of the sentence, as in “she did this, she did that.” If there are a few in a row, the paragraph can feel like a list. In Roupenian’s story, out of 298 instances, 36 occur at the beginning of sentences (12%). Unfortunately, in our passage, out of 21 shes, 14 appear at the beginning of sentences (66%). Can we make our numbers comparable?

To find out, we’ll take a gander at nine ways to pare down or hide the pronouns, using examples from the text.

Repetition isn’t always bad. In fact, repetition is a literary device (writing tool) we use to emphasize an idea or create rhythm in the text. So, before eliminating pronouns, let’s identify any repetition and make it intentional or cut it.

She grabbed a towel, she shook it, and she folded it, fighting to keep her hands steady.

My intention is to accentuate the repetitive nature of her actions, not who is doing it. Let’s keep the she at the beginning and focus on the verbs.

She extracted a towel, shook it, folded it, and fought to keep her hands steady.

(19 instances remaining)

Writing is a process of putting ideas into sentences. Often, as we’re trying to get the idea on paper, we end up writing a couple of versions. Sometimes, we don’t notice and leave both versions on the page. Look for sentences that say essentially the same thing and pick the best one.

She pulled the warm bundle out of the dryer, and she pressed her face into it. She wrapped her arms tightly around it to absorb the heat.

becomes . . .

She pulled the warm bundle out of the dryer, and she* wrapped her arms around it to absorb the heat.

* We’ll deal with this she in “Conjunctions” below. (18 instances remaining)

III. Eliminate Shoe Leather

Shoe leather is the busy work of transitioning a character between places or activities. Sometimes, what a character thinks or does during a transition is an important part of earning realizations or building tension. But often, the description doesn’t advance the plot or character arc and can be removed.

No, she thought. She would go where the action was. She put the towels in the basket and she hauled it to the playroom.

A lot of this description can be explained through her actions. Let’s just get her there.

She set up in the playroom.

(15 instances remaining)

Once you establish whose head you’re in, especially when the character is alone, you don’t need to remind the reader who is doing the action.

She leaned her forehead against it. She was exhausted.
Then, she heard the dryer buzz.

becomes . . .

She leaned her forehead against it, exhausted.
The dryer buzzed.

(13 instances remaining)

Free indirect discourse happens in third-person limited POV when the author expresses the character’s inner dialogue without using dialogue tags like, she thought or she wondered. It makes the reader feel closer to the character because the thoughts don’t appear to come through the narrator. (Inner dialogue underlined.)

She thought about taking the towels upstairs and folding them on the bed. I know better than that, she thought. She would have a hard time convincing herself to get out of bed for the second time in one day.

becomes . . .

She considered taking the towels upstairs and folding them on the bed. I know better than that—getting up once was hard enough.

We can also do the same with this phrasing to make the POV more consistent, even if it doesn’t eliminate any shes:

Odd that being aware of the fear didn’t seem to give it less power. She startled as the dryer buzzed.

(11 instances remaining)

The next three options get into the weeds a little, but stick with me. When a character does two actions, you can connect them with a conjunction (a joining word, like and or but) and eliminate one of the pronouns.

Katherine closed the front door. She leaned her forehead against it, exhausted.

becomes . . .

Katherine closed the front door and leaned her forehead against it, exhausted.

We can do the same with this example:

She pulled the warm bundle out of the dryer, and she wrapped her arms around it to absorb the heat.

(9 instances remaining)

In this example, she is the subject. If we change the sentence around, we can make the sound of Sadie and Grace toppling blocks into the subject and eliminate she altogether. (Subject underlined.)

She listened to Sadie and Grace toppling blocks in the playroom, just audible over the static of her anxiety.

becomes . . .

The sound of Sadie and Grace toppling blocks in the playroom was just audible over the static of her anxiety.

Here is another:

She made her way through the gauntlet of to-dos and into the basement.

becomes . . .

The gauntlet of to-dos between the kitchen and the basement exerted less pull than usual, at least.

(7 instances remaining)

If you need to use a pronoun, dependent clauses are a good way to tuck them into the middle of the sentence. (Dependent clause underlined.)

She emptied out the basket. The girls wriggled into her lap and burrowed into the towels.

becomes . . .

The girls wriggled into her lap and burrowed into the fabric as she emptied the basket onto the floor.

(7 instances remaining)

I know, I said nine ways. And it’s coming! But first, we need to check in with the text. I was super pleased with how many shes we were able to remove or move around, but when I read the text out loud, a couple of the sentences felt choppy. So, I added a she, along with the ninth way (underlined).

THE SINGULARITY OF KATHERINE

Katherine closed the front door and leaned her forehead against it, exhausted. The sound of Sadie and Grace toppling blocks in the playroom was just audible over the static of her anxiety. Odd that being aware of the fear didn’t seem to give it less power. She startled as the dryer buzzed.
​
​Automatically, she started for the stairs. The gauntlet of to-dos between the kitchen and the basement exerted less pull than usual, at least. She pulled the warm bundle out of the dryer and wrapped her arms tightly around it to absorb the heat. For a moment, she considered taking the towels upstairs and folding them on the bed. I know better than that—getting up once was hard enough.
​
​Instead, she set up in the playroom.
​
“Mama, look at this bridge.”
​
​She tried to draw herself into their play by animating her voice. The girls wriggled into her lap and burrowed into the fabric as she emptied the basket onto the floor. It almost worked. She extracted a towel, shook it, folded it, and fought to keep her hands steady.

(8 instances total) (182 words)

When writing feels choppy, it usually needs transitions. One way to transition between ideas is to add an introductory phrase. These are short bits of text, like automatically, instead, then, etc. (usually adverbs or adverbial phrases), separated by a comma that connects the new sentence with the sentence or idea that comes before. They are also helpful tools for tucking the she into the sentence.

Using our nine methods for hiding or eliminating pronouns, we’re down to 8 instances of she over 182 words. That’s 4.3%, which aligns nicely with Rupenian’s average of 4.1%.

Of the 8 instances, 50% are at the beginning of sentences, down from 66%, but nowhere close to Rupenian’s 12%. The high number reflects my need to include examples of all the methods, but also the character’s state of mind. Her experience of life is like a list of tasks, so the percussive “she” works. Plus, in a longer story, there will be sections with no “shes” to help the average. Lots of factors to consider!

Phew! That was a long one. Thanks for sticking with me. Please comment below if I’ve forgotten any of your favourite ways to manage repetitive pronouns. Or, if you have a completely unrelated writing question, send me an email, and I’ll add it to the blog queue.